Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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