I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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