i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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