my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize