I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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