she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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