in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
