You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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