Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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