I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
