sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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