there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
