i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
