brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
