Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
