ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize