My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
