I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
