my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize