i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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