God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize