a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
