If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
