he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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