My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
