saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
