if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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