I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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