you're like a bully in the Christmas story
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
