Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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