You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
