So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
