GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
