im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
