it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
