I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
