textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
