he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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