i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
