this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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