Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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