I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
