I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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