okay pat passed out under dana's car
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Randomize