So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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