I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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