i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
