I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
