I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
