remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
