apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
