I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
