hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
