I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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