a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
