her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
