I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
