Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
