I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
