She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
