Swine flu. Run for my life!
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
