you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
