every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
