I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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