one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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