Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
