there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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